The definitive ranking of John Aycock's Random Thoughts
The ranged-weapon equivalent to saber-rattling is shake spear.
Leatherworking tools are made in an olfactory.
An accent comes from a cloud of body spray.
For computers, frequent backups are good; for sewers, less so.
Sawdust is wood, but sod dust is dirt.
Building a subway is under construction.
A conductor's baton is a band stimulant.
Rabbit in aspic is hare gel.
How are bacteria different from cafeteria? I can get cheese from either one.
Geology essays are edited using rock paper scissors.
Waltzing around carrying bread products is something done in abundance.
Excess sar can be shoveled into a sarcasm.
A baker showed his love for his girlfriend by painstakingly making her cinnamon rolls shaped like classic automobiles, thus inventing car bun dating.
The café was so dirty that they served soil lattes.
There was an upcoming Shakespeare test in the English class, and a student asked 'What sonnet?'
Ancient writing can just rune your whole day.
A member of a submarine crew brought aboard a garden gnome; he thought that would give them luck on their arduous trek. But the gnome wouldn't fit anyplace, and everything had to be reorganized on the boat to accommodate it. It was a sub space agnomealy.
The chiropractic college's fall message was not 'Welcome back, students!' but 'Welcome, back students!'
A dog with a wooden leg has a faux paw.
The two of them were chosen the day prior to help get potatoes ready before the big dinner. The pre-pared were prepared by the pre-paired.
The sheriff, seeing his posse arriving, said 'my throng is riding up.'
The life of a tree: one day you're feeling chipper, the next day you're in one.
Computer scientists make soup with Boolean cubes.
For a writer, a typo is disaster: no character ever died gloriously in a hail of mullets.
Their house's electricity suddenly came back on, delivering a kick to the family joules.
A quiet rhinoplasty is Dolby nose reduction.
All the birds in ancient Rome were the same color. Rome was famous for its aqua ducks.
The web page's design was tasteful, as if created by an elite squad of drunken monkeys.
Cats right themselves; books don't.
A stiff competitor is a starch-enemy.
Pinocchio was happy; he was a-wood-chipper.
The accident in his beloved 'green' car was like a punch to the solar Lexus.
Purple is when you yank on a cat's tail.
A letter opener is what makes an 'o' into a 'c'.
Nothing provides instant clarity and reflection like pressing the 'send' key.
Slowly, the farm equipment turned, and its headlight illuminated a small bed. It was a cot in the tractor beam.
Does a program that works with TIFF files have to take arguments?
No wonder I'm so tired – I'm in the human race! That explains why people keep handing me cups of Gatorade.
Old mail in your webmail account is cobwebmail.
Make sure to cross your eyes and dot your 'T's.
My antisocial networking website is wildly successful: no users yet.
I read a book on approximation algorithms. It had about six chapters.
An expensive, but well-lit, French apartment is both sunny and cher.
Children can see up your nostrils at all times.
Never attempt a shellsort until the turtles have stopped moving.
If you give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he makes fish sticks and starts dressing all nautical and saying things like - 'Har! Y'ever been to sea?'